Expecting Moms: Pregnancy and Birth
An Exceptional Mama
Congratulations! You are pregnant! Or at least you suspect you are. Becoming a mom is a life changing experience, and not just because I’m cheesy and that’s what everyone says but because you are about to grow and birth another human being. So many moms and new parents want nothing more than to be a great parent. We are all going to have our own styles and opinions about what being a parent is going to mean for us. Yet there doesn’t seem to be a one stop handbook on pregnancy, birth, and child rearing. That’s why I decided to write this blog. With over a decade and a half of education, research, field work, and of course my own pregnancies and births, I wanted to provide expecting moms with the answers to all of their questions.
The Pregnancy
Sometimes if feels like your entire pregnancy is really about preparing for birth and bringing home your child. In many ways it is as you make your birth plan, design a nursery, and make decisions about where and how you are going to give birth. It offers you a lot of time to reflect on what type of parent you want to be and to examine your current relationship.
I always like to say that your pregnancy is a time to get to know your tiny human. Yes, you will prepare for the birth and the raising of them as well, but when it’s just you and your wee one, nothing can compare. That first fluttering of kicks, or hiccups, or maybe it’s just gas? Take time to start building that always important attachment now. Read books, sing songs, start a calming bedtime routine. Connect in whatever way feels authentic to you because you and your tiny human are stuck together for a good few months.
No matter if this is your first or your fifth child, you are going to be a different person at the end of this pregnancy. I encourage you to take time now to examine who you might be, or who you want to be. What kind of parent do you want to be? What kind of partner? This pregnancy and child are unique to you. No one is going to be able to walk this path for you (though they certainly will try! Check out my post on The Best and Worst Pregnancy Advice I received while pregnant). But that doesn’t mean you have to travel it alone. Building your community now is the real secret to successful pregnancy and parenting in my opinion. Need a little reading guidance for what to expect? Check out my blog on the Top 5 Books to Read While Pregnant to get into your pregnancy journey.
Over the next few months, and likely this has already started, your body is going to change, your relationships are going to change, and your mind is going to change. You are going to be flooded with hormones that exist to help you grow and birth that baby. For some women this is a breeze and pregnancy looks great. For others, it is a test of physical and mental willpower. I laugh at myself sometimes as I reflect that pregnancy is the best form of birth control for me. I would have a hundred children if I didn’t have to be pregnant ever again. And guess what? You have every right to feel however you feel too.
Let me offer just one little word of warning though. I get into when pregnancy and birth go wrong later but seriously, no matter how you feel about pregnancy, just know that if anything ever does go wrong, it isn’t your fault. I’m not trying to put a rain cloud on your experience, but I weave into my conversation wherever I can that some things are out of our control. And I weave it in because if anything does happen, no matter how many times you’ve been told, it won’t be enough. You will still question if you made the right choice, or what if you had different thoughts, or what if you were able to take your vitamins and actually keep them down or… or… or. It can be a painful journey, and one that may require additional support to move through (therapy is a life saver ladies).
Your Growing Baby
Tracking the growth of your little bundle of joy is one of the best parts of being pregnant. There are a lot of fun size tracking generators out there, though the one I personally used and loved was babysizer.com. We even secured Rainbow Sprinkle’s nickname from this site (want to guess how far along I was when we decided on Rainbow Sprinkle for a nickname?). It can be hard to wait patiently to meet your little human, so finding little ways to connect with them makes it all the more enjoyable.
Part of monitoring your pregnancy is lots and lots of Doctor Visits. And those ultrasounds? Read more about the different types of ultrasounds and what to expect in a ‘normal’ pregnancy here. Also, if you are already part of the discussion about revealing your baby’s sex before birth (or seriously, the fact that every single person you meet while you are pregnant is going to ask you about this), please check out my blog about the Gender Conversation that dives lightly into gender neutral parenting and this weird obsession our culture has on gendering our children even in utero.
Your baby’s health is tracked closely from the moment your conception is confirmed to the moment they are born (I’m not going to comment at this time on if I think that is appropriate or not). Check out my blog on Fetus: Fact or Myth to learn some fun notes about the little being growing inside you now. Your little bit of joy is going to grow rapidly over the next few months and that fluttering of life inside you is one of a kind. They eat what you eat, drink what you drink, and kick you right in the ribs.
Not every pregnancy is a ‘normal’ pregnancy though. Click here to read about Expecting Multiples and never hesitate to link yourself up with other moms of multiples. As loath as I am to admit it, Facebook tends to house easy access to communities of pregnant or parenting women that could be a very valuable resource.
Your baby is often responding to outside stimuli, whether or not you can feel it. It’s never too early to start talking to them (okay, wait 16-18 weeks from conception), playing music for them, and more. I used to have a co-worker with a distinctive voice and every time we were in a meeting together, Monster would go crazy and start kicking me a ton. They definitely bonded. And after Monster’s birth they still seemed to recognize his voice!
Speaking of bonding, reading and talking to your little one can be an easy way to help your partner bond with your baby. Have them read a book or talk to your stomach. While you will feel all those little kicks and flutters early, many partners feel frustrated and uninvolved at not being able to share in many of those ‘wonderful’ pregnancy experiences. I have worked with many families where the partner (often men, if we are honest) admit that the idea of having a baby didn’t even feel real to them until they were holding their baby in their arms. Even still, if your partner is around and regularly speaks with you, your newborn, as early as the day they are born, will prefer the voice of your partner to one of a stranger. So if you can share in this experience in anyway with them, I highly encourage you to.
Supplies
I was told early on that children are expensive. Like take out your bank account expensive. To be clear, I did not believe it then and I don’t believe it now (2 children later). But I will acknowledge a certain need to provide new and different materials for your baby. As a pretty thrifty person, I suggest the following blogs that cover the things you actually need, plus a few items I found wouldn’t make or break me but I appreciated having around.
First Year Must Haves
First Year Luxuries
I’m not a big believer in the nursery, with the fancy painted walls and the 4-piece matching furniture set and the sheets and bumpers and… and… and. I am aware that putting together a nursery can be really fun for some parents though. It helps you feel nested and prepared. It helps you feel closer to your little one. And it gives you something to show off to your family that can shout that you know what you’re doing. However you might feel about the nursery, know that it can be a fun project, but if it isn’t your cup of tea, your child isn’t missing out on anything they will care about.
So you have a long list of things you want or need for your new little human. Thankfully, our tradition rarely expects new parents to source all that wonderful (and weirdly so often expensive!) baby stuff on their own. That’s right! It may be time to start planning your Baby Shower. Now if you are extra lucky, someone else will plan this shower for you. Just in case though, I’ve put together a real, Expecting Parent’s Guide to Throwing a Baby Shower that cuts through all the light and fluffy and names this experience for what it is: a celebration! If you spend the whole time stressing, you’re doing it wrong.
Not your first baby? That’s okay. There is nothing wrong with throwing a little Sprinkle to celebrate the latest addition to your family. Check out all my Baby Shower Gift Ideas here. And of course, no shower or sprinkle would be complete without custom options from your very own Freedom Inside’s shop. Plus there is this new wonderful tradition of asking for books instead of cards at showers (or sprinkles) now and there is always room to grow your library.
Your Body
We all know that one woman who gained the perfect amount of weight and worked out her whole pregnancy and never once got sick and ate everything perfectly and took her prenatal vitamins before she was even pregnant. If you are that woman, good for you, I doubt I have anything to say to you that you don’t already know. For the rest of us though, pregnancy can be a bit of a roller-coaster and not all of us signed up for this experience.
I know, I know, it’s almost taboo to talk about weight gain and fitness during pregnancy. You have the two extreme sides of the spectrum. The ‘don’t gain more weight than you should, you gotta think about your post-baby body’ camp and the ‘eat for two, fuck the scale’ camp. Here it is folks, both of those camps SUCK! Yup, I say it loud and proud. And I say it for a lot of reasons.
First of all, let’s talk about pregnancy sickness. It is the worst. And yes, it’s pregnancy sickness, not that stupid ‘morning’ sickness nonsense. I am talking all day every day nausea. I’m talking eat before you get out of bed sick. And a crazy number of us are affected by it. I was so sick in my second pregnancy that I lost 20 pounds and I was being cut open for a C-section exactly one week after getting back up to my pre-pregnancy weight. It is miserable, so some of us are doomed to just eat what we can keep down and not examine our diets much closer than that.
Then there is the whole eating for two nonsense, which is a total myth by the way. There is a sweet spot of how many additional calories you should take in during your pregnancy but darling I promise you it is not double your normal caloric content. Yes, you may have weird cravings, but seriously, everything in moderation is the only way you are getting through this pregnancy with any semblance of health around eating. And check yourself before you blame baby for every bite you take. Good eating habits start now, and that cookie you are eating is more for you than it is baby. Don’t lie to yourself.
Take you prenatal vitamins. I seriously don’t care what else you do or don’t eat. Take those vitamins girl. Even if you are going to throw them up, take them anyway. Those vitamins are going to get your baby the last of what they need. And honestly, they are more about you than they are your baby. Because simply put, your baby is going to get everything they need from you. They will straight up suck it out of your very bones and muscles. Taking those vitamins will help keep you healthy and strong.
So now that I’m stepping off my eating soap box (can you tell maybe I had some baggage around that?), let’s talk about staying in shape. And yes, I do fully believe that round is a shape, but we want to examine if it’s a shape you want to be. Don’t think I take Staying Active During Pregnancy lightly. I think to stay fit is going to be hard, especially as you battle pregnancy sickness in your first trimester and fatigue and general being a giant in your third. It is possible and important though, even if just to get your heart rate up for a few minutes every day (beyond waddling yourself back and forth to the bathroom at least). Take note about how you exercise though, as Abdominal Separation During Pregnancy, also known as Diastasis Recti, can do long term damage to your ab muscles. Ever look at the moms of our generation and wonder why they all have the same impossible to get rid of pooch? It’s likely because many of them suffer from Diastasis Recti without even knowing it!
My point to this entire section is that you are the only one who knows your body, but don’t use pregnancy as a free range to do whatever and eat whatever you want. This is the time to take care of yourself and set reasonable, healthy boundaries. I will admit that not every body loves being pregnant (my own included), but that doesn’t mean we can’t all show up and do our best. So throw out the rule book, ignore the polar expectations and terrible advice, and really take stock for yourself. What is the right pregnancy body for you?
The Birth
No matter how much planning you do or do not partake in, at the end of a few months, you are going to have a baby. I fully believe that the more involved in planning your birth in advance that you are, the more likely you are to have a positive birth experience. This doesn’t mean you get to plot every moment and it isn’t a promise that thing’s won’t go wrong. But there are studies that show the more involved in the process a woman is, even when things don’t go her way, the better she feels about the experience later in life.
You have a few options around how and where you want to give birth (these may vary by state). I have outlined and detailed three of those choices below to help give you the opportunity to make an informed decision. No location is right or wrong. It all depends on what kind of birth you want and what you are comfortable with.
Hospital
Sadly the most common, place to give birth is the Hospital. I say sadly because I have done a lot of research into hospital births, the rate of C-section, episiotomies, unnecessary induction, the complications around pitocin, and much more. My honest take is that hospitals are meant for high risk individuals, but most births are not high risk. Now I went to an amazing hospital when I had complications with my second pregnancy and I feel very fortunate that the hospital was there for me. So I want to be clear when I say that the hospital is a choice, and for some, it’s the safest choice. But I also adamantly believe that it isn’t the only choice. If a hospital is what is right for you though, pack your hospital bag and buckle down because you are in for an experience.
First off, know what you want out of your birth and what your hospital will entertain. Some hospitals require constant fetal monitoring while others make it optional or have wireless ones so you can walk around a bit. Do you want to give birth in a tub? More and more hospitals are offering a tub for laboring (although I was told I wouldn’t be allowed to physically give birth in a tub, only labor). What about pain medication and how do you feel about C-sections? Some hospitals have incredibly high C-section rates, so if you are against having one unless it’s an emergency, you are going to want to ask about that.
Now I consider my area a suburb, and so I felt I had a lot of choices in where to go for a hospital. Well, sort of as I was transferring in last minute, but still, options were available to me. Not everyone has that luxury though, especially if you are rural. I highly encourage you to interview hospitals where you can, but if you know that you are just going to have to go to whatever hospital is nearest, to bring backup with you. I mean more than your partner or your mom. I highly encourage you to hire a Birth Doula to help advocate on your behalf and to ensure you can focus on having your baby and not if the doctor heard you express your preferences. Take time in advance to go over What You Want at your birth and share those wants with your doula, your doctor, or both.
Again, a hospital isn’t outright a bad way to go. Just know that they have their own rules and regulations that they have to follow, regardless of your agreement with them. I personally believe that women and our bodies were built for and know how to give birth. Taking autonomy and belief away from a woman is just something I can’t sign up for. But a hospital is often a very safe option and a vast majority of women will continue to feel more comfortable giving birth in one. Just remember, at the end of that day, a doctor didn’t deliver that baby, you did. They assist you, but you are the power behind birth.
Birthing Center
The second option is a birthing center, which is slowly becoming more common. This may not actually be available to you at all depending on where you live, but if it is, many people report it as being an excellent in between. A birthing center is a medical center with a focus on supporting women who are having babies. They often offer birthing tubs, walking during labor, and excellent social and emotional support.
Due to their medical nature, a birthing center can help women feel they are being offered safe, reliable care in the event of an emergency yet are also given many options for how they want to give birth as well. They are low tech centers, so if you are interested in a medication free birth, these are excellent places to be. If you have significant complications though, you will likely be transferred out of their care and to the nearest hospital, so you will want to know where that is.
Admittedly, of the three options, I am the least knowledgeable about a birthing center as I personally have never used one. I do, however, know a lot about midwives, and most birthing centers use midwives instead of OB-GYNs. Midwives are (often) women helping women bring babies into this world and if I had to pick between one and a doctor, the midwife would win every time.
Home
The third option is a home birth with a midwife. Please note that I very much specify with a midwife as I do think unassisted home births can be dangerous in the event that a complication does arise. Midwives are trained professionals who have dedicated their lives to birth.
For a successful home birth, I believe in finding the right midwife first. Check out my blog on interviewing midwives to find the right fit for you here. Once you have secured the human element, you then need to turn to yourself and your environment. Think about who you want at your birth, how you want to labor, and how you want to give birth. You should practice pain and discomfort relieving positions.
At the risk of admitting what a total control freak I am, my favorite part of giving birth at home was the complete power rush. Every decision, every wave, every push, every yell was mine. I was loud, I was quiet, I was ugly, and I was beautiful. I was incredibly proud of myself at the end, and my little one was put straight on my body and we were snugged up in bed together within minutes of giving birth. My midwives cleaned up the mess while I practiced nursing and took a nap. Then they fed me and left me alone to sleep and bond.
I know I can get a little preachy around home birth, but I can’t seem to help it. All of my research points to home birth as the better option for women with normal pregnancies. My experience was beautiful and fluid. I know there are a lot of Questions around giving birth at home, but I highly recommend everyone look into it. And never doubt your ability to bring a baby into this world.
