The Gender Conversation

Updated April, 2021

I swear the next person who asks about my future child’s genitalia is going to get punched. “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Do you know what you’re having yet?” “But really, what do you hope it will be?” I hope they (the gender neutral pronoun we have chosen for our child at this time because “it” is too impersonal) are healthy. I hope they are happy. I hope they are born into a world that accepts them for whoever and however they want to be. This is feeling incredibly optimistic at this point though.

It might be because gender neutrality is so important to me right now, but oh my god, adults are obsessed with genitals. Everything that everyone is, or was, or can be, is all based on having a penis or a vagina. I feel like I hear at least one comment every day about someone preferring something one way or another based on their reproductive organs. If you are a boy you will inevitably like sports and girls of course want dolls. Don’t even get me started on the colors they are allowed to like and wear either. I had a woman in my sewing class the other day let me know that if I had a little girl, I would want to learn how to make ruffles. Screw you lady, no matter what my child’s sex is they can have ruffles if that is what they want.

I just cannot understand where this obsession comes from. It goes way beyond the use of pronouns too (people have a very hard time with our decision to use “they”). This conversation seems to stem from an inherent sexism that is rampant in our society. Boys are smarter and more capable of running business. So act like a boy. Acting like a girl shows you are weak, and no one wants to be weak. Our obsession with categorizing individuals as male or female starts this entire chain at an alarmingly young age.

When I was in grade school, I swore I hated the color pink. Pink was a “girly” color, so it was ugly. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it, or owning anything that was pink. Except it wasn’t really that I didn’t like pink. Choosing to dislike pink was my way of taking control of the fact that society around me was telling me that it wasn’t okay to be a girl, thus everything to do with owning my femininity was ugly, stupid, or bad so of course I couldn’t like it.

Until I was in college, I was under the impression that red, orange, and yellow were girl colors, and blue, green, and purple were boy colors. Then in college, someone helpfully informed me that purple was a girl color and red was a boy color. Yet why does any gender get to have a color? Why do we buy into marketing that sells products ‘for men’ or ‘for women’ that are the exact same product but with a different title or color?

My partner and I have chosen to raise a gender neutral child, but that doesn’t mean everything they own is green and yellow. It means that we are going to expose them to a little bit of everything, and they get to decide for themselves what they do and don’t like. They aren’t using their genitalia to play with toys, so they can pick the things they like, not just the items that are marketed for their specific sex.

I hear it a lot more than I ever used to, but we really do unnecessarily gender almost everything. Colors, clothing, hobbies, you name it, we probably associate a gender with it. I don’t expect most people to be gender fluid in our society, but I think it’s worth looking at the way we speak. If you identify with a specific gender, awesome. Own it and feel comfortable in it. But we need to stop assigning inanimate objects to specific gender groups. Listen to how you gender things in everyday conversation, and think about the ways you can change what you’re saying. After all, anyone can rock ruffles if that’s what they are into.

Gender Neutral Parenting

So you’ve heard all my complaints and filed away my concerns. The next question is, what does this all mean for you as the parent? How do you move forward and help your child and those around you accept everyone for who they are.

The Why

Of course I want to make way for my children to feel however they want to about their gender. I’m okay with any gender my child may decide, but that isn’t the why behind my motives, if we are honest. I do it because the stereotypes we face constantly are so exhausting. The rampant sexism we deal with on the regular hurts everyone. I don’t want to buy into it. And my hope is that raising my child to just be, not focusing on their gender as a means to define them, will offer them some freedom to show up and be whoever they want to be. It let’s all of us break out of molds that don’t fit and will hopefully produce a healthier, happier human.

The How

Gender neutral parenting is more than just pronouns (though it’s certainly a start). It includes colors, clothes, interests, and everything else. It truly is based in freedom of expression. It’s letting little girls be interested in cars and little boys wear pink. It’s experimenting with clothes and dressing up and trying on different personalities. The goal of this approach is simply to tell your child that they have the right to be whoever they want, however they want. Their interests, their favorite color, their clothes, their haircut; none of it has to be defined by their sex. As one of my favorite friends always say, they aren’t playing with the toys using their genitals!

The When

I believe in starting this type of parenting, this keeping away from labels, as soon as possible. It’s why we didn’t announce the sex of our babies, why we often will use ‘they’ pronouns for our youngest still. Giving a child a chance to choose is a huge gift, but it’s a commitment from day one.

In my experience, children go through a phase between 3 and 6 where they will let you know what their gender identity is. Monster has proclaimed they are a girl, and strongly identifies with that label, for whatever it means for her at all of 3 (and a half). Your child likely will as well. You can easily switch pronouns at that point, naturally accepting their decision as a show of support to them. And just because they have selected a gender that resonates with them doesn’t mean you then have to force on them any gender roles. You can continue to let them explore whatever they want, regardless of what gender they decide.

Now of course, society is still going to put pressures on you and on your kids. There is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. But reminding them that they have the right to be whoever they are and love whoever they want starts now. These are building blocks to a happier, healthier future for everyone. And could you imagine how far we could advance socially if everyone decided to parent this way!

Additional Reading

I admit I consider myself a bit of a feminist. So I try to keep myself well read. A few books that I think really go into socialization of gender norms and the harmful effects they may have on our children are here. You don’t have to read them, but I thought I would share the titles just in case you wanted more!