Being pregnant and having children can add an extra layer of stress and tension to your day to day life. This includes, though is certainly not limited to, your relationship with the person you made this little bundle of joy with. Power dynamics, needs, and expectations are going to shift. So amongst all of these changes, how do you maintain your relationship?
While Pregnant
I think the biggest change that occurs when we have babies is that expectations shift and sometimes we forget to communicate those different expectations. To be clear, you are pregnant, so your hormones are playing a significant part in your daily interactions. This doesn’t give you a right to become a shrew, and this doesn’t give your partner a right to dismiss all of your feelings.
The big shift in expectations that I hear the most complaints about comes from the partner being expected to do more work in the home than previously. Where before the woman often would be the one to cook and clean and maintain the house, when pregnant, she may need more help. And your hubby can no longer spend his days working and relaxing. There are simply some tasks you are going to need help with.
In a perfect world, we would be having these conversations before we are pregnant. Find me a couple who did that though and I’ll be impressed. If you are here, I suspect you may be struggling currently. So how do we have these conversations before we boil over? I believe you really have to make time for it. Plan to discuss these things on a weekly basis. Bring them up in the moment. Do what you can so that resentment doesn’t build up.
I think one of the best things you can do to maintain your relationship while pregnant is go back to dating regularly. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy. But making that time for just the two of you to stay in love can be super important, otherwise we just get lost in the mundane of the day to day. And take turns planning dates. Go at least once a month and each month rotate whose turn it is to make the plans. This can be a fun treat and also help prevent the day of indecisiveness.
Decisions Together
Not every conversation you have needs to be intense and potentially decisive. Find fun, simple decisions you can make together to start building excitement for your baby. One of my favorite conversations is picking out a name for baby. This includes first, middle, and last names. Let this be fun, silly, and low stakes.
Planning for After Birth
After baby is born, regardless of if you go back to work or not, your relationship is going to make another big change. Now your focus is abruptly all about baby, and less about your partner. You are both responsible for taking care of your little, but also maintaining the house and potentially even going to work.
Let’s talk about Stay at Home Moms (SAHMs) first. The biggest misunderstanding that I hear about for SAHMs is what happens when you partner comes home from work. They have been working all day. They may be expecting to come home, relax, eat a meal, and unwind for the day in order to prepare to go back to work the next day. But here is the rub: you have been working all day too. Many SAHMs expect their partners to come home and relieve them. Give them some time and space away from baby. So discuss what the end of the work day looks like for both of you so that you can both know what to expect. Plan to experience some trial and error on this, to adjust expectations, and to grow and change with your child. For example, what you might need from your partner when your child is 6 weeks old will likely look different from when they are 1 year old, and change again when they are 5 years old.
Then there are Working Moms (WMs). Just like your husbands, you work all day, and often when you come home you are expected to care for baby, cook, clean, and continue to run the household. If expectations are not discussed in advance, your partner may be all too ready to sit back and let you do everything while he relaxes after a long day of work. Let me tell you now, even if you don’t think this will burn you out, it almost definitely will. Take time to set expectations around rotating cooking and cleaning each night.
There is a belief in the ‘witching hour’ for many babies. That time in the evening, after work, before bed, where babies are extra difficult. I believe part of this is because this is the time when parents are the most burnt out. The day has been long, and their cup of giving for their children has started to fade. Now baby is extra grumpy and things are spiraling out of control and now you two are frustrated with each other, and maybe you don’t even have the time, energy, or space to discuss those frustrations.
So how do we prevent this? How do we stop ourselves from resenting our partners and considering throwing them out with the trash? After all, it is so easy, especially in our society, for us to fall into stereotypical roles, and yet we don’t have the ability to do it all. We all need a little self-care and recharge time. I think the best way to prevent these arguments after baby is born is to set up expectations for each other BEFORE your tiny human arrives.
I know, communication is key gets really old as advice. But seriously, that is the number one way to prevent resentment and arguments. Talk about how you are going to split baby time. If your partner works at 6am and you are a SAHM, are you expected to get up with baby every night all night? When do you get a break? If both of you work, who is responsible for taking baby to Dr. appointments or picking them up from school on time? These are all questions that, if you hash it out in advance, can help you maintain your relationship.
When it Still isn't Working
Sometimes it feels like you two talk regularly, are trying often, and still it isn’t working. While I know it can be expensive, and even awkward sometimes, I really highly encourage couple counseling. It’s even more ideal if you can partake in it before your little one is born, or before things between you and your partner are really dire. I cannot stress how amazing couples counseling can be to help with communication and creating space for one another.
Now despite everyone’s best efforts, some individuals find themselves in a situation where the person they got pregnant with is not the right person for them in the long term. I feel like there are two categories here. The first is the worst, where the other person in your relationship is unable and unwilling to be a good partner OR parent. They are not consistent and will not partake in appropriate child rearing. In this case, it is likely best to cut your losses and leave. Involve the law and the court systems if necessary.
The second option is a little less pessimistic. It’s the idea that, although you and the other person may not be able to reconcile your relationship, you are both good parents. The two ideas can be regarded completely separately. In this instance, I encourage you to work out a separation plan that works for all parties involved. The best way to do this is to separate before you hate each other’s guts. Once you hate someone, it’s very hard to not make decisions around your children that unfairly affect them. But if you leave while you know things are not working, but you don’t despise them, it makes it much easier to work through parenting problems and find a way to co-parent effectively.
That’s it. I know it’s not the most ideal. But seriously, taking the time to outline expectations and talk about needs is hugely helpful. Bonus is combining this talk with your monthly date night where you also positively build on your relationship.
