Updated December, 2020
Many of us take time to plan and prepare for the perfect birth. We outline birth plans, take time to find the perfect care provider, and set up a nursery. But sometimes, despite our intentions, things don’t work out the way we planed them. In those moments, you have to change your plans in order to ensure you have the safest possible outcome for you and your child. It isn’t easy, but it’s important to be flexible.
My Story
From the very beginning of my second pregnancy, my care providers and I simply could not agree on one thing: how far along I was. You see, I had gotten a dating ultrasound, and according to that, I was due weeks later than when I believed I was. This mattered because I very much wanted another home birth, and in Colorado, you have to be in a very specific window of time in order to give birth at home. So the ultrasound said I was barely pregnant, but I knew pretty much the exact day I had conceived on.
We went back and forth through my pregnancy, and every time we measured, my midwives had their belief that my dating ultrasound was correct reinforced because I was constantly measuring weeks smaller than what I claimed I was. But I knew when I got pregnant. We certainly couldn’t both be right. Maybe it was just because I had terrible pregnancy sickness?
We finally decided to go in for one more ultrasound (this was my third). I was 33 weeks, so we scheduled it for the following Friday. Then the weekend happened, and Monday morning came around and I was at work when I had to pause. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt the baby move. I mentioned something offhandedly to one of my supervisors and she told me to go see my doctor immediately. I left work and went right over to my midwife. She was able to get my little Rainbow Sprinkle to do some kicks, but agreed that we needed to get into my ultrasound as soon as possible.
The ultrasound was not the reassurance I was looking for. He explained that Sprinkle was struggling, and that he was recommending I move to a high risk specialist because there was a possibility that Sprinkle could not continue to survive at this rate. I was crushed. There went my plans of having a home birth. He sent me home and said he would be in touch with my midwife and they would find me someone good to go to the following day.
Well, that escalated quickly to me needing to go to a hospital immediately. I checked into an excellent hospital and got yet another series of ultrasounds. They gave me a warning. I would spend three days in the hospital, and if things didn’t significantly improve, I would need to give birth early. Yet I still asked, was there any way I could still give birth vaginally? They said yes.
Three days later, I got yet another ultrasound (and lots of fetal monitoring leading up to this point). I spent three days crying and blaming myself and crying. Plus, one of my midwives was out of town, and my partner still had to work and take care of our first born. I felt very much alone and did a LOT of journaling in those days.
The results of this ultrasound confirmed the worst. I needed to give birth immediately. My partner came down with my best friend and both my midwives, who turned from midwife into birth doula flawlessly. The doctors were amazingly kind and patient. I could not have asked for a better team.
We tried vaginal birth, just as they had promised. Unfortunately, I was having contractions that I couldn’t even feel, but that baby was reacting very negatively to. My worst fears had arrived. I would have to have a c-section, completely numb from the abdomen down. And while doctors had let me try vaginal birth, they were not open to delayed cord clamping or immediate skin to skin. In fact, they planned to whisk Sprinkle away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) before they had even finished sewing me back up.
Everyone but my partner left the room and I sat there and cried and cried. I sobbed. I shook. I wanted to scream. Nothing about what was happening to me went along with what I had planned. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Finally, they took me into he operating room and threw up some sheets. My partner sat by my head, and they sliced me open. He announced Sprinkle’s sex and then they whisked baby away. As they left the room, my partner told me to look over to see my baby. I couldn’t see anything. My midwife stayed with me while they closed me back up and then they took me away to recover.
As I waited to get feeling back in my legs, I started trying to pump in order to provide breast milk for my tiny human. Amazingly, despite all the stress, milk at least flowed and it was obvious I would be able to provide milk for my baby (and maybe every baby in the NICU…).
It was hours later before I got to see my baby for the first time. And see was all I got. I did not get to hold them or hug them. I could barely even stand to talk to them. It was awful. What had happened to my amazing birth plan? At 34 weeks, they weighed in at 2 pounds, 12 ounces. That is the size of a 28 week gestational baby.
Sprinkle spent a full month in the NICU. I worked hard to bond, trying to visit regularly, holding them often, and proving plenty of milk. It took me months and a whole lot of therapy before I really felt the connection I had been expecting. I even would comment on not being sure they were mine, since there was no way to tell in the NICU (they are the spitting image of their father, so no questions anymore). It was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever gone through in my life. I had wanted a peaceful home birth in a tub. What I got was a c-section at a hospital and a 30 day stay in the NICU. Not what I had planned at all.
Changing Plans
Nothing in birth is a guarantee. You can do everything right, lay out a flawless birth plan, and end up having to throw everything to the side. Often changing birth plans at the last moment can be stressful, upsetting, and make you feel out of control. It is important that you are open to going with the flow as needed and being flexible. Remember, no matter what else happens, the safe delivery of your baby is the most important.
When faced with emergency changes, you may be forced to make some very hard decisions in a short amount of time. This is part of why having a birth plan in place already can be so important. Knowing what things are the most important to you before there is an emergency can help you stay as close to your desired birth process as possible. You may be able to ask for a vaginal birth if it is safe, or go straight to skin to skin contact after the birth.
Having a doula can be a great help for expecting parents as the original plan melts away and you must make room for new. This stable person can help ask guiding questions and reference back to your original plan. They should offer you support and even a shoulder to cry on if needed.
As each change arises, don’t hesitate to ask for time. Even taking just five or ten minutes to process and come to terms with the change can help you feel in control, or at least less scared. There may be instances where, no, you can’t have anymore time. But when things can be slowed down a bit, it can be worth it.
After the Birth
Just as difficult as a traumatic birth is the recovery afterwards. This recovery is both a physical and mental battle. It is likely appropriate for you to seek professional support in order to recover fully. Getting the support you need can help you recover fully and can even help you avoid postpartum depression.
Physically speaking, I advise looking into physical therapy for your pelvic floor, especially if you gave birth vaginally. This professional can help firm up and support your pelvic floor by walking you through important exercises. They can also check for Diastasis Recti and give you exercises to bring those abdominal muscles back together.Finally, if you had a C-section, I advise finding a specialist who does myofascial release. This is still a relatively new area, but they can really help your scar heal nicely and, while painful at times, I believe it really helped me retain feeling near my scar line.
Emotionally speaking, I cannot stress enough how important it is to seek out and talk to a therapist. Even if it is just about this one experience, talking it through and finding emotional acceptance can really bring a wholeness and healing that I think every human deserves.
I didn’t get a single thing out of my birth that I had wanted. No delayed cord clamping, no skin to skin, no nice safe space at home, no vaginal delivery. I mean nothing. Except, I did get a baby. Small, perhaps, but alive and basically healthy. I had to remind myself of that important factor a lot. If your birth doesn’t go exactly as you had hoped it would, I’m sorry. I know how frustrating that can be. Just make sure to take care of yourself and take a deep breath. It may not be what you planned, but your new little one is what is most important.
