Updated December, 2020
As I enter into my third trimester, I’m starting to think I have heard every well-meaning warning that could possibly exist. I’ll never sleep again, everything is about to change, I’ll never have me time again, my partner and I should go on a baby-moon since this is it for a very long time, we have no idea how expensive children are. The list goes on and on. I can’t understand where these beliefs stem from though. I know people don’t feel this way in other cultures, so why are we so insistent that everyone feel this way in the United States?
As I tire of hearing all of these cautions, I again commit myself to raising my child differently than the stereotype. I was once told by my father that it was the fault of his children that he and my mother didn’t have the things in life that they had always wanted (note, I love my parents very deeply, so I say this to make a point, not to judge my father). So hearing again from everyone around me that misery in everything except just raising a child is all I can expect for the next 22-25 years of my life doesn’t sit well with me.
As such, I make a commitment to my self and my partner. I make these 5 promises to my monster, and, with Monster clocking in at almost 4 years old now, I share how I have stayed true to them, and how I continue to honor myself and my family.
1. I will continue to have hobbies and interests that don't involve you.
I once read an article about how thousands of women all over the United States regretted having children because their entire lives went to being the “Soccer Mom” and they no longer felt they were individuals outside of that role. I promise not to become so wrapped up in being Mom that I forget to be me. I will set aside me time because it is the healthy thing to do. This will set a positive example for you as well, to seek out activities that interest you and to stay engaged in them. I’m sure you will come rock climbing with me on occasion, and I know we will do things like hike and bike and swim together. Not every activity I do will be about you though. I will continue to learn and work at my education, I will read books that are interesting to me, and I will take long baths by myself while you spend time with your father or someone else that loves you.
This one was hard for the first year, since so much happens in that first year that I simply didn’t want to miss. Now that you are almost 4, and your sibling is almost 2, I find it is much easier to strike a balance. I write and read, and there are plenty of times I have the day off but send you to school while I take some time for myself. You can even name what day I play DnD, which means I am spending my time with my friends, and not you. You have come to accept this time I take for myself and I hope it is good role modeling for your future as well.
2. I will hold you accountable
3. I will give you room to grow
I can sit at a playground and watch three types of people. First is the helicopter parent who follows every step and every movement of their child. Their goal is to keep their child engaged and safe at all times. Then there is the observant parent. They often sit on the side lines, though they certainly engage with their child at times as well. Third is the break parent. This parent brought their kiddo to the playground to take a break. They barely follow their child’s movements and will often be on their phones or in a book. They know their child is fine and don’t feel the need to be engaged constantly. I imagine I will be each of these types of parents at some point in time or another. Overall though, I promise to give you space to grow and be your own person. You can make mistakes, play with others your own age, spend time by yourself, and do things that interest you. I will leave plenty of time every day to make sure you can be you. No school, no learning, no greater goals. Just you time, where you get to learn who you are and how you want to show up in this world.
Years later and I am grateful I gave you that space. I don’t have to get out of bed until 8:00am. You and your sibling will play with each other, or you will even go into your room and close the door for time by yourself. I think it’s important that we can be alone and not entertained, and you are doing well with this skill.
4. I won't tell you "good job"
At least, not if I don’t mean it. It won’t be “you scribbled on a piece of paper, good job!” or “you went down the slide, good job!”. I won’t bribe you with dessert to get you to eat your vegetables or threaten you with punishment (note, punishment, not consequences) to get you to behave a certain way. I think internal motivation is the best type of motivation. I want to teach you that no one other than yourself gets to determine what a good job for you is or the right way to act in any given situation. If we always rely on and expect praise and motivation from others, we stop striving to be the best person we can. No one other than you will ever know what your potential is, so it is up to you to reach it.
At almost 4, you are hesitant to accept this from me, since you get it from so many other people in your life. Regardless, more and more you are able to decide for yourself if you are doing well or not. You have come to expect observations from me as opposed to praise, and you certainly aren’t deterred when I refuse to engage with you on the ‘good job’ level.
5. I will take the time to teach you
I believe that children can learn to take care, to sleep through the night, to have table manners, and to tie their own shoes. These aren’t inherent abilities though. I will take the time and have the patience to teach you these skills, not expect you to suddenly have them. I will expect a lot of you, especially as you hit developmental milestones and become more capable. I will always be here to teach you and help you hit the next milestone though.
Update? You learned to sleep through the night at 6 months, with longer stretches starting around 3 months. You can get dresse by yourself, pour your own drinks, and do pretty much everything you need to on a daily basis. You are a very independent, very capable human.
Often when I spoke about teaching my child to sleep through the night or my commitment to taking me time, I get overly indulgent smiles from other parents. The type of smiles that say “oh you just don’t know, wait and see.” I don’t want to wait and see though. I’ve worked in the Early Childhood field for years and have seen so many unique families that I can’t believe that a life of misery is the only thing I have waiting for me. I am ecstatic to bring my monster into the world, but that doesn’t mean I have to give up the rest of my life for them. I make these promises for them as much as I do for me. I want to lead by example, and that means being more than just a 24/7 Mom.
