Updated October, 2021
What if I told you that you aren’t alone, or don’t have to be? I see you, motherhood understood, you don’t have to raise your child without support. It takes time to build your community, but community building after giving birth can bring you just what you need. Let’s break out of this parenting alone model and move into parenting together. Get tips on how to build your community, or join one that already exists.
The Nuclear Family
The idea of the nuclear family, two parents raising children independent from their extended family is a relatively new concept. We live in an age where you can spend ten years living next to someone and never know anything about them beyond what type of car they drive. We are independent and tend to “go it alone”. This is especially true of child raising. We have new parents who have never even held babies before being sent home from hospitals equipped with only a few days of training and a “good luck” attitude. Even if you want support, many new parents don’t know who or what to ask.
I’m increasingly less than convinced that the nuclear family is all that healthy. How are we possibly expected to hold down a job, maintain the house, cook, and raise our children. And why should we have to do it alone? So many of us live far from any family, myself included, so I understand not having the support you might need. But family doesn’t have to be a hard and fast definition. Let’s grow our own families and our own communities.
Building Your Own Community
So it’s time to intentionally build your own community. As someone who has worked with families and college students for years, I can confidently tell you that community doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it. You have to put some effort into it.
Think about the people in your life that you love. And not just the ones who make you happy, but the ones that challenge you, the reliable ones, the bold ones. Maybe your sister drives you crazy, but you know if you really needed her, she would be there for you in a heartbeat.
Think about the different needs you might have. Do you feel lost in this parenting thing and having another person who has done it before would help? Or maybe you just need someone to be able to talk to on the phone for 2 or 3 hours at times. Just objectively think about what you need so that as you build your community, it’s the right one for you.
Community is a two way street though. Think about what you bring to the table for your community as well. Are you reliable? Do you hold space well? Maybe you’re a great cook and will drop off food on occasion. Obviously, immediately after having a baby, maybe being your usual community member self is difficult. Just know that in order to be part of a community, you have to give back eventually.
Professionals
Believe it or not, I strongly believe that you professionals should be part of your community. Your family care provider is going to help care for your child and yourself. Maybe you are having some baby blues or are worried about postpartum depression. Find a great therapist that you feel comfortable with.
Other professionals that come to mind are lactation consultants if you are breastfeeding. Or if a lactation consultant feels extensive, even a breastfeeding counselor. Never scoff at the level of knowledge these professionals have. They can be invaluable to you.
Hired Help
Your next group of support people is your hired help. Hiring someone to support you, such as a nanny or a maid is a privilege that not everyone can afford. However, if you can afford it, I say do it. If you don’t have to do everything, don’t.
If you are looking for an all in one, I highly encourage you to look into a postpartum doula. Many doulas will cook, do some light house keeping, watch your child for short periods, and they should have a wealth of knowledge about child rearing. You can find out more about what a postpartum doula does here.
My point here is not to underestimate the value of your paid community. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. The more they can provide you with care you know you can count on, the better.
Friends and Family
Of course, the biggest and most diverse part of your community is going to be your friends and family. A quick note about family, I just want to let you know that you don’t owe anyone anything. If you have people in your family who only bring you down, hurt you, or are dismissive of you, that doesn’t sound much like family to me. This community is about being together and supporting each other. No one gets an automatic pass into your community.
In the first weeks after your child is born, it is very likely that there community members are going to want to come by and support you. Make sure to communicate with them, letting them know what is helpful and what is not.
Your Partner
I put your partner last not because they aren’t a valuable part of your community, but because there is a good chance they are in the thick of being a new parent right along with you. They are learning too, and balancing how to be a parent and a partner can be difficult.
Hopefully though, your partner is one of the strongest, best parts of your community. They should be helping you care for baby everyday. If you have to wake up to feed baby, maybe they get up to change them. If you need to take a shower, they should be there for you.
Of course, I am simplifying the multitude of dynamics that goes into every parenting relationship. My point is, your partner and you should be doing this together. Spend this valuable time together and learn what this new family looks like to you.
Existing Community
As I said, building community takes work. It takes effort and time and balance. Sometimes, building your own community feels like a monumental and impossible task. No worries, there are actually quiet a few existing communities out there that you can likely join.
Local Groups
Many towns have a number of local support groups. This can be breastfeeding support, parenting, new mom, you name it, someone probably has created it. Finding these local groups can help you feel like you have someone close who has a similar experience to your own.
Facebook/Social Media
Okay, hear me out on this one. Social media actually has a lot of groups in it. New mom groups are incredibly popular and often full of helpful humans. I myself have a small Facebook group for parents. We all came together intentionally as a means to partake in Freedom Parenting. If you are interested in joining our community, you can find us here.
Recreation Centers
Okay, recreation centers is kind of an overarching category here. Think places like gyms, rec centers, libraries, etc. These longstanding community places in your area. They often have support groups affiliated with them. I know I get a magazine type thing in the mail every few months that says what all the classes and groups at our local rec centers are.
You're Not Alone
The whole point of this is to remind you that you aren’t alone. You don’t have to raise your child alone in an isolated family unit. Find community, make community. Your community is going to be your support network for good times and bad.
