Updated October, 2021
I know I’ve alluded to this a few times in other posts, but accepting my post pregnancy body has been tough. And not just in that 4th trimester right after birth stage, but all through the first year, when supposedly you’re supposed to be getting your pre-pregnancy body back. But what happens when that simply isn’t attainable. What happens when I have to learn to love my body, regardless of what it looks like? And what do I do when that feels impossible?
The Ugly Truth
I’m going to say it, because I feel like there is so much stigma around being honest and saying it. I hate what my body looks like now. I’ll certainly never have children again, but frankly, the damage has already been done. My stomach is gross, flabby, and covered with stretchmarks. My thighs take 5 seconds to stop moving after I do. And my vagina? That poor thing will never get in enough kegels to make me feel like it’s pre-baby size. I go through vicious cycles of avoiding mirrors and aggressively trying to count calories and control my eating. That pre-baby 115-120 pound girl is gone and I miss her. I talked with my sister about it too, and she had the same problems after her son was born.
The Adjustment Period
Here is the reality, there is an adjustment period after giving birth and it isn’t pretty. I had a friend tell me she felt jealous of celebrities who had their pre-pregnancy bodies back within a week of having a baby. I admittedly don’t follow celebrities or care about what they look like, but I informed her that it was very likely that they were also people and took time to recover after having babies as well. Celebrities just have Photoshop to clean up all those extra curves.
I think getting through the adjustment period has to take time. I think we should be allowed to dislike our bodies and be disappointed. Simply put, I think it’s okay to mourn your old body. I think we have a right to let all of the noise of society get into our head. I think we get to have this adjustment phase.
Be it the celebrity hype in this country setting realistic expectations, or the poison of the patriarchy, but pushing yourself to get back to pre-pregnancy three days after you gave birth is unrealistic and unkind. Our focus should be about growing babies and building our new family, not how flabby our tummies are.
For me, looking good is about feeling confident in my own skin again. Before I was pregnant, I wasn’t crazy thin, but I was a healthy weight and I was happy with my body. During pregnancy, I didn’t care about my bulgy stomach because that was supposed to happen. I was growing a baby after all. After birth I had no patience for it. Worst of all, because of diastasis recti, it was months before it was really safe to do anything.
The Frustration Phase
I missed being physically active and feeling attractive. I really, really wanted to go back to looking good in my old clothes. I can’t tell you how many times I put on an outfit, looked in the mirror, and pulled it off, just to ball up and throw in a heap in the corner out of frustration (which of course only makes more work for me because then I have to clean it up before I leave the room). I look forward to the day that I will feel confident wearing my skimpy cosplay outfits again and rock my bathing suit by the pool.
A lot of women I have talked with have the same desire and want to return to a healthy weight and feel good in their skin again. When they never return to their pre-baby bodies, they become frustrated and lose hope. They give up trying to get to that previous weight or former look because it feels impossible. No matter how much work they do, or who they work out with they don’t feel like they see results, so then they stop working to stay active and healthy all together. Besides, who has time to work out when there is a new baby to take care of?
The Second Body
I am working towards accepting a different concept about my body. I don’t want to give up on taking care of myself. At this time, it may be unrealistic to expect that I will ever return to my pre-pregnancy body. In order to keep myself motivated, I’ve decided to stop working towards my pre-pregnancy body. I know my stretch marks will fade, but they will likely always be there. I know my stomach will shrink down again, but hell, I grew a baby in there. So instead of working towards an unrealistic pre-pregnancy body, I am now working towards my new, second body.
The second body is the body that I can realistically obtain after having given birth. This is my way of acknowledging that I did have a baby, and thus am a different person now, both physically and emotionally. I don’t know what my second body looks like yet. It might even look a lot like my first body and I just have to work harder to maintain it. Or maybe it looks a lot like it does now, but I’m more active. Whatever this new body looks like, I need to learn to be okay with it. This feels like a much healthier and realistic mindset to me then the constant pursuing of a form that doesn’t acknowledge all that my body accomplished in these last few years.
As I develop this body that I am still getting to know, I am changing my focus. Instead of measuring my stomach, I’m measuring my physical activity. Instead of paying attention to my shape, I’m paying attention to what I eat. These little steps are helping me focus on the things that lead to being in a healthy body. Yes, I admit I might spend a little extra time working to shape my legs (to be fair, I already work my arms doing baby lifts) but overall, I am focusing on getting back into a healthy routine and accepting a healthy body that just looks different than I am used to.
