Updated March, 2022
There are a lot of people who dread the “terrible two” phase, filled with tantrums and every toddler’s favorite word, “No!”. I understand that this phase can be very trying for parents. Your trying to manage a household and your young child is busy being obstinate. Imagine being your child though. Mother Nature has given them the ability to learn and grow. They are walking, talking. Now their job is to assert independence and do things for themselves. They aren’t babies anymore. Your child is officially a toddler! This blog is about the toddler no phase and what to do what your child says no.
A Struggle for Power
The word “no” from a toddler (and often from adults) is a struggle for power. It’s an attempt to make a world that is out of our control, controlled. No and all the power struggles that come around the age of two are a child’s natural attempts to become independent. “No!” is one of the most beautiful, empowering, and clear ways for them to do that. While it may feel exhausting for parents, the no phase is a very important one. That’s why I like to make it as fun as possible.
Finding Balance
Finding balance in power is the key to making it through this phase. Balance choices, freedoms, and needs. Help your child learn about power, feel good in it, and balance against other people’s needs, wants, and responsibilities.
Handling the No Phase
Just because I believe in the no phase doesn’t mean that your child gets to turn into a tyrant. There are ways to handle this phase that can support you and your child. Find the places you can give, and set appropriate expectations.
Explain Yourself
In short, simple sentences, it’s important to explain to your child why you need them to do whatever it is they are saying no to. Perhaps they need to brush their teeth or sit down for dinner. There is balance between telling them what they have to do and simply being patient. I will often wait, explaining that dinner cannot start until they sit down, or that we cannot leave until they have put their buckles on.
Giving a reason to your child for what you are telling them to do demonstrates that you respect them. It also gives them opportunity to learn and ask questions. Instead of it being a fight, perhaps you can turn it into a discussion.
Offer Choices, But Only When There Actually Is One
One way around some of the tantrums and ‘negative’ assertions of independence is to offer choices. This doesn’t have to be a difficult thing either. It can be as simple as letting them pick out their own clothes, giving them free time to select their own activity, or choosing between two books before bed. Choices work when you need them to do something as well. Say they need to wash their hands and they don’t want to (No!). You can offer “I can help you wash your hands or you can wash them by yourself”. Two notes on this approach. The first is to put the choice you most want them to make last so it is the last thing they hear and can increase the odds of them selecting that choice. The other is following through. In this instance, no is not one of the choices. So if your child does not want to wash their hands, you now need to help them.
If your child really doesn’t have a choice, don’t offer them one. As adults, we often veil our commands as requests or questions. “Are you ready to leave the park?” or “Can you buckle up for me, please?” are often intended to be nice ways to have our children comply. If it’s time to go though, or they need to buckle up because they are in a car, it isn’t up to them. Don’t pretend there is a choice. Simply state your expectations. There is nothing wrong with leaving the questions (“okay?”) off your sentences and telling your toddler what to do. “Hold my hand” and “time to go” are completely reasonable.
Make It Fun
That’s right, believe it or not, no can be fun! The more you lean into it and give them positive opportunities to say no, the more likely your toddler will be to say yes when you need them to. Remember, it is important for your little one to grow and become their own person.
One of the best ways to get through the no stage is to give them every opportunity to say it as possible. You can do this by adding silly questions (are we going to take an elephant to get home?), offering them choices where they get to tell you no, and reading books where they get to say no to or for the characters. Mo Willems’ Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus is a great example of a no on every page. Any chance you can give your child to say no, let them.
Expand Their Vocabulary
If your want to expand your child’s repertoire avoid yes/no questions. Instead of asking them if they had fun, ask them to tell you about their day. Taking the no out of the conversation can lead to greater details and more enjoyable talk for everyone.
Be Aware of Your Own Vocabulary
If you don’t want your child to tell you no all the time, you should examine how often you are saying it yourself. When Monster was around one and a half, my sister moved in with us. I love my sister, but she is a heavy “no” user. So while prior to her living with us, Monster barely ever heard, and thus almost never used the word no, my sister’s influence quickly changed that.
Find different ways to say what you are telling your child without saying no. You can make it a game for yourself even. Instead of “No, don’t run” you could try “walking feet”. What other ways can you change the common negatives into something more neutral.
Telling a child no yourself also doesn’t tell them what behavior you do want from them. Asking them to stop something without giving them alternatives can set them up for failure. That’s an aside, I suppose, but feels worth mentioning here.
Eventually, after enough no, your child will naturally want to say yes. Give them as many opportunities to do that as possible. Asking them questions that you know they will say yes to is a great start. And if they still say no, that’s okay too.
There are certainly going to be times when your have to ignore their “no”. Holding hands when crossing the street or brushing teeth at night are not optional. When it isn’t a safety concern though, do your best to respect their wishes. We can’t always give young children control, but offering them as many chances to be on control as possible will help them feel empowered.
Need Support?
Need support setting appropriate boundaries with your child? View my Early Childhood Behavioral Support page to set up a free consultation. Together we can create and implement a behavioral plan that is right for you and your child.
